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Die Before You Go Into Battle

After cancer, for me, there was this period of time that felt like I was a little girl with my head under the covers, peeking out with one eye. I kept wondering, "Is it safe to come out and live my life again? Is it safe to not be scared?"

Then I heard my coach say this, “Sometimes you have to die before you go into battle.”

This blew my mind. The reason I couldn’t go freely live my life was because I was worried that something would happen and I would die. Imagine not living because you’re afraid of dying--so many of us do this! So I did some deep inner work around dying. And here’s where I landed:

Some day I get to die. The most sacred of the human experience is transitioning realms, birth and death. And someday I get to do it. But not now.

I envisioned my death and how I want it to be. I started to desensitize myself. Culturally, we don’t talk about death. We tuck it away. It’s shrouded in mystery, almost shameful.

For me, little by little the fear waned. For the first time since diagnosis I started to feel a confidence to live my life. This, in addition to nurturing my nervous system was an integral part of feeling some freedom.

Leaning in to dying in order to truly live...I believe this is worthwhile work.


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